Crazy Jokes

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The Moped and the Ferrari GTO

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there, sonny?’

The doctor replies, ‘ A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’

‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’

‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’

‘No problem,’ replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!’

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?’ the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari , he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor…. is there anything I can do for you?’

The old man whispers, ‘Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!’

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….Not enough lovin’

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go.

Both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night. The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about what to do.

“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won’t lose any workin’ time.”

Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while.

One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”

“Oh, it worked” says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie’d come runnin’. Then we’d find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well I think I over did it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…”

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The Tiny Cabin

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. “Anybody home?” she asked.

“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.

“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.

“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.

“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.

“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.

“But,” protested the social worker, “are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”

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Heart Health

Two businessmen in Minnesota were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them!

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A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go.

Both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night. The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about what to do.

“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won’t lose any workin’ time.”

Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”

“Oh, it worked” says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie’d come runnin’. Then we’d find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well I think I over did it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…”

Cool Quotes

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky  back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,  “Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Trivia and Amazing Facts

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